We've all heard the saying, "opposites attract," but did you know this also applies to the nervous system? Have you found yourself in your own relationships – friendships as well as romantic – that often people who are calm and collected tend to attract someone who has a tendency to have a more restless, high-energy nature?" This is where the Polyvagal Theory offers some fascinating insights.
What is the Polyvagal Theory, and Why Does it Matter?
The Polyvagal theory is quite a mouthful, but I'm sure most of you would have heard terms like fight or flight, freeze, or fawn. Developed by Dr. Stephen Porges (2011), the Polyvagal Theory helps us understand how our nervous systems react when faced with a trigger.
In simple terms, according to this theory, our nervous system operates in three states:
1. Social engagement (ventral vagal) – a state of calm, connection, and safety.
2. Fight or flight (sympathetic nervous system) – the activation of energy to either confront or escape a perceived threat.
3. Shutdown or freeze (dorsal vagal, part of the parasympathetic system) – a withdrawal from the world characterised by feeling stuck, helpless, or numb.
Here is a little video to give you a more in depth explanation if you are interested:
It's perfectly normal to move between these states throughout the day. But it becomes an issue when trauma, stress, or certain attachment dynamics "trap" us in one of the extremes.
So, what Draws Hyper and Hypoarousal Together?
Here's the thing: we're often unconsciously drawn to people whose nervous system states complement ours. Suppose one partner has a tendency to go into sympathetic arousal (hyperarousal), characterized by anxiety, agitation, or restlessness. In that case, they might unconsciously seek out someone who is in a parasympathetic state (hypoarousal), characterized by withdrawal, numbness, low mood or avoidance.
But why does this happen? It's not as simple as "opposites attract"
On a basic level, we're drawn to what might balance us out. The hyper-aroused individual, constantly feeling on edge, may find comfort in the perceived calm of someone who is more hypoaroused. Meanwhile, the person in hypoarousal, feeling disconnected or low-energy, might be pulled toward the energy of their more hyperaroused partner. It feels like a missing piece is being filled in.
Sometimes, we're drawn to nervous system dynamics that echo our past. Suppose we grew up in environments where stress, chaos, or emotional unavailability were the norm. In that case, we might be attracted to partners whose nervous systems feel "familiar" even if it's not the healthiest match.
Janina Fisher (2024) explains that our bodies and nervous systems crave what they know, even if what they know is dysregulation. This can create a cycle in which both partners reinforce each other's states of hyper- and hypoarousal without realizing it.
When past trauma is involved, this dynamic often reflects unresolved attachment patterns. A person in hypoarousal might have learned to cope by shutting down emotionally, while the hyperaroused partner might have adapted by becoming hypervigilant, anxious, or reactive. Together, they create a familiar push-pull dynamic that keeps both in their respective states.
It's a bit like a dance where both partners play their roles perfectly, even if it's not a dance that brings them closer.
What's interesting and perhaps unexpected is that this dynamic can feel deceptively safe. For the hypoaroused person, their partner's hyperarousal might give them just enough stimulation to stay present. For the hyperaroused individual, their partner's withdrawal might provide a sense of calm amidst their internal chaos. But this false sense of balance often leads to cycles of miscommunication, unmet needs, and deepening frustration.
The Struggles of Hyper-Hypo Relationships
While these pairings might initially feel comforting, they come with their challenges. The hyperaroused partner might become frustrated by their partner's withdrawal, feeling ignored, abandoned or bored. Meanwhile, the hypoaroused individual can feel overwhelmed by their partner's constant need for connection or emotional intensity, leading them to withdraw further.
This is why it is common for couples to find themselves stuck in the same arguments over and over—their nervous systems are stuck in complementary but dysfunctional states.
The goal isn't to eliminate all sympathetic or parasympathetic responses—they're part of being human. But by practising co-regulation, couples can help each other move more often into a ventral vagal state, where they feel safe, connected, and able to communicate openly.
Remember what drew you to each other in the first place—the quiet, steady presence of the person who isn't a big talker likely made you feel safe and secure when you first met. At the same time, a high-energy, spontaneous partner brings fun and excitement into your life when your nervous system has a tendency for the opposite. It's easy to lose sight of these things when you're stuck in the cycle of hyper- and hypoarousal, but reconnecting with those initial feelings can help remind us how our partners or friends can also be a blessing, especially when things get heated.
Final Thoughts
Understanding the dynamics of hyper- and hypoarousal in relationships can be eye-opening. The number of times I've mentioned the pairing to my clients, and they were struck by how accurate it is! Awareness of our tendencies - and those of our loved ones - encourages compassion and understanding for them and ourselves.
Pictures by Michael Obstoj
Bibliography
Fisher, J. (2024) ‘Don’t Make Me “Go There”: Innovative Therapeutic Approaches for Intellectualization and Avoidance’, in London.
Porges, S.W. (2011) The polyvagal theory: Neurophysiological foundations of emotions, attachment, communication, and self-regulation. New York: W.W. Norton.
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