After attending another seminar by the brilliant Janina Fisher last Friday (more about that another time!), I've decided to start documenting the CPD (Continuing Professional Development) events I participate in. I want to share this knowledge with you while summarising the information for myself to better remember the key takeaways. This is the first blog post in the series, starting with a workshop I attended last year titled "When Intimacy Feels Unsafe". I hope this will be a helpful resource for my fellow therapists, as well as anyone who is struggling with this issue or simply has an interest in the topic.
Without further ado - In intimate relationships, we often seek emotional closeness, vulnerability, and trust—signs of a secure connection. But for many people, particularly those with trauma histories, intimacy can bring up fear, mistrust, and emotional distress. This paradox is at the heart of Janina's seminar, "When Intimacy Feels Unsafe." Fisher explores the ways trauma impacts relationships, leaving individuals feeling conflicted between their biological drive for closeness and their profound fear of being hurt again.
Understanding this dynamic is so important for therapists, couples, and individuals working through trauma, as it sheds light on why intimacy can feel unsafe and why traditional approaches to relationship-building may fall short for trauma survivors.
copyright: Janina Fisher
Trauma and Intimacy: The Central Dilemma
One of the key points from Fisher's seminar is that trauma survivors face a deep, internal conflict in their relationships. The same attachment system that makes us seek out comfort, safety, and security from loved ones can, paradoxically, trigger fear and defense mechanisms in those who have been hurt by close relationships in the past.
According to Fisher, trauma survivors experience a push-pull effect: they crave connection yet fear the vulnerability that comes with it. The longing for attachment is hardwired into all of us—our nervous systems are biologically programmed to seek out support from others, especially during times of stress. However, for someone with trauma, especially trauma related to attachment (e.g., childhood abuse, neglect, or betrayal), the very concept of "closeness" may activate memories or sensations of danger.
The Role of the Body and Nervous System
Fisher emphasises that trauma is not just a psychological issue but also a physiological one. Trauma lives in the body. When someone has experienced trauma, their nervous system remains on high alert, often interpreting safe situations as dangerous. This hypervigilance can lead to emotional shutdowns, anxiety, or overwhelming feelings in intimate situations, which further complicates their relationships.
For trauma survivors, being in an intimate relationship can be akin to navigating a minefield. Even small gestures of affection or emotional closeness can trigger a fight, flight or freeze response, leaving both partners confused or feeling rejected. This, Fisher notes, is not due to a lack of love or desire for connection but a biological fear response—a survival mechanism.
In her work, Fisher stresses that therapists and couples need to acknowledge and work with these somatic responses, as the body's reactions often hold the key to understanding the trauma. She encourages therapists to focus on nervous system regulation, helping individuals recognise and manage these bodily responses to differentiate between past trauma and present safety.
How Trauma Shapes Relationship Dynamics
Fisher's seminar also looks at the ways trauma influences relationship patterns. Often, individuals with trauma histories unknowingly recreate the dynamics of their past in their current relationships. This might include avoiding vulnerability, pushing partners away, or reacting defensively to perceived criticism or rejection.
For example, someone who experienced emotional neglect in childhood might struggle to trust that their partner will meet their emotional needs. As a result, they might oscillate between clinging to their partner for reassurance and withdrawing in fear that their needs will be unmet. This cycle can be exhausting for both parties, leading to misunderstandings, resentment, or even relationship breakdown.
According to Fisher, it's crucial to recognise these patterns as survival strategies—ways the individual learned to protect themselves in the past. While these strategies may have been adaptive in a dangerous or neglectful environment, they become maladaptive in safe, healthy relationships. The work, then, is in helping trauma survivors update their internal systems, teaching them that it is safe to connect and be vulnerable in the present.
The Importance of Psychoeducation and Validation
Fisher repeatedly emphasises the importance of psychoeducation in her work with trauma survivors. Many people with trauma feel broken, defective, or incapable of having healthy relationships. By educating clients on the ways trauma impacts their nervous system and relationships, therapists can provide validation and reduce shame.
Clients need to understand that their responses—whether it's emotional numbness, hypervigilance, or avoidance—are normal reactions to abnormal experiences. They are not flaws or signs of weakness but rather the body's way of protecting itself. By normalising these reactions, therapists can create a foundation of safety and trust, allowing clients to explore their trauma and work towards healing.
This is particularly important in couples counselling, where the non-traumatised partner may feel rejected, confused, or hurt by their partner's seemingly inexplicable responses. Psychoeducation helps both partners understand what is happening on a physiological level and can reduce feelings of blame or frustration.
Working with Trauma in Relationships: Practical Steps
Copyright: Janina Fisher
So, what can be done when intimacy feels unsafe? Fisher offers several practical strategies for working with trauma in relationships:
1. Focus on Safety, Not Closeness: Safety must come before closeness for trauma survivors. Instead of pushing for emotional vulnerability, therapists should first focus on helping clients feel safe in their bodies and in their relationships. This might include grounding exercises, mindfulness practices, or simply assisting clients in recognising and naming their bodily sensations.
2. Regulate the Nervous System: Because trauma lives in the body, working with the nervous system is key. Helping clients recognise when they are in a fight, flight or freeze response—and giving them tools to regulate—can reduce the intensity of their reactions. Somatic approaches, like breathing exercises, body scanning, or gentle movement, can be incredibly helpful in this process.
3. Explore the Trauma Story Gently (if at all!): For many trauma survivors, revisiting the trauma directly can be overwhelming and, in some instances, re-traumatising. Fisher encourages therapists to approach the trauma story gently, focusing first on building safety and stabilisation and assessing whether it's necessary to explore the history of trauma.
4. Practice Self-Compassion: Trauma survivors often carry immense shame and self-blame for their relationship struggles. Encouraging self-compassion can help clients see that their behaviours are understandable, given their past experiences. This shift from shame to compassion is crucial to the healing process.
5. Cultivate Attunement in Relationships: Fisher stresses that partners of trauma survivors need to learn how to attune to their partner's emotional states without taking their responses personally. This means recognising when their partner is triggered and offering support without becoming defensive or withdrawing. Building this attunement can create a sense of safety and trust in the relationship, allowing intimacy to develop naturally over time.
Janina Fisher's work reminds us that for trauma survivors, intimacy can feel like a double-edged sword—a source of both comfort and fear. The very relationships that offer healing and connection can also trigger memories of danger, leading to conflict, avoidance, or emotional shutdown. Understanding this paradox is the first step toward helping trauma survivors navigate their relationships with greater awareness and compassion.
By focusing on safety, nervous system regulation, and self-compassion, therapists can help individuals and couples work through these challenges, creating space for intimacy to feel safe again. Though the path may be complex, Fisher's approach offers hope and practical strategies for healing, allowing trauma survivors to experience the closeness and connection they deserve.
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