Treating the Untreatable: How to Transform Narcissistic Relationships
Open Instagram or TikTok Narcissism is a word that is thrown around left, right, and centre at the moment. It is widely used as an insult or an explanation of why we don't like someone, but beyond Pop Psychology, it is important to shed some light on what it means in Psychotherapy.
I have attended a Seminar by Terry Real called "Treating the Untreatable: How to Transform Narcissistic Relationships" and will give you the low down on how Terry Real defines narcissism, the different forms as well as how to work with it.
In the world of therapy, especially when it comes to dealing with personality disorders like narcissism, there's often a sense of hopelessness. Narcissists are usually seen as difficult, even impossible, to treat. However, Terry Real, relationship expert and founder of Relational Life Therapy (RLT), offers a refreshing perspective that challenges this view. Here are some of the key takeaways I gained from the seminar, along with how we can understand narcissism in a more compassionate and practical way.
A Perspective Shift
Narcissism often carries a heavy, condemning label. We tend to see narcissists as self-absorbed, controlling, and emotionally destructive. While those traits can certainly appear in narcissistic behaviour, Terry Real challenges us to look at narcissism from a different angle—one rooted in boundaries and self-esteem.
Instead of categorising someone as a "narcissist" and writing them off as hopeless, Real encourages us to think about how that person operates within relationships. Are they able to establish healthy boundaries? Do they tend to place themselves above others or feel perpetually inferior? For Real, narcissism is about how a person connects with others, not just about grandiosity or self-centeredness.
The Spectrum of Narcissism
Understanding that narcissism occurs along a spectrum is a powerful realization. Terry Real's distinction between healthy narcissism, narcissistic traits, and NPD empowers us with a deeper understanding of this complex issue.
Narcissism occurs along a spectrum. At one end, you have "healthy narcissism", which reflects a balanced sense of self-worth and confidence. When working with someone who has co-dependent tendencies, the goal is to move them toward this healthy self-esteem.
But then, Real goes deeper into the different forms of narcissism. He introduces three specific personality types to illustrate the range of narcissistic behaviour:
1. The Narcissist: These individuals are self-centred and often come across as arrogant, self-important, and entitled. Think of someone who constantly demands attention, not out of a need for validation but out of a deep belief that they deserve to be the centre of everything. Real notes that narcissists always consider: "What's in it for me?"
2. The Hysterical Narcissist: This type is warm, charming, and seductive, often using their charisma to manipulate situations to their advantage. They are emotionally engaging but can be emotionally demanding. A prime example that Real gives is Bill Clinton, who displayed many traits of the hysterical narcissist—charming and warm but often using relationships for his own self-interest.
3. The Obsessive-Compulsive Narcissist: These individuals are very controlling and focused on order and perfectionism. They demand that things be done their way, and they are usually very critical of others when they don't meet their high standards. Real describes this type as someone obsessed with ensuring everything in their environment aligns with their will, such as insisting on everything being perfectly arranged or meticulously planned.
Real also notes the distinction between narcissistic personality traits and Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD). People with narcissistic traits may learn to move beyond them, but those with NPD lack self-awareness and insight into their behaviours. People with NPD typically do not see themselves as the problem; instead, they blame others and are very difficult to work with in therapy. As Terry explains, "A diagnosis of a personality disorder usually means your therapist doesn't like you very much." People with NPD don't think there's anything wrong with them, which is why you would not typically come across them in therapy unless they are forced to for some reason.
Empathy and Accountability
Another interesting takeaway from the seminar was Terry's emphasis on empathy as the antidote to narcissism. He pointed out that if someone's partner accuses them of being narcissistic and unfeeling, the worst thing they can do is invalidate that observation. Instead, the narcissistic individual should lean in with empathy, saying something like: "I'm sorry you feel that way about me. Can we talk about what I've done to contribute to that feeling? What can I do right now that might help?"
This isn't about denying the accusation but instead transforming it into an opportunity for connection. The narcissistic partner is encouraged to practice empathy and self-reflection, which helps heal relational ruptures. Real's model shows that narcissism can be treated when the individual takes responsibility for their behaviour and works on building healthy relational skills.
The Role of the Co-Dependent Partner
For partners of narcissists, Real acknowledges that setting boundaries and asking for change can be risky. The co-dependent partner, often in the "one-down" position, might fear that asserting themselves will lead to the relationship ending or the narcissist reacting with anger. But Real challenges the idea of "safe relationships," pointing out that vulnerability and emotional risk are essential for growth. You wouldn't want to be stuck in an unhappy relationship for years and years, so you might have to take the risk of rupture if you challenge your narcissistic partner if you want change. He notes: "If you want to be safe, don't get out of bed in the morning."
Real emphasises that it is possible for the co-dependent partner to assert themselves with kindness and respect rather than in an angry or confrontational way. This process, which he calls "relational empowerment," involves learning to stand up for oneself in a way that has more potential to strengthen the relationship.
The idea of leverage
In RLT, there's a unique approach to working with grandiosity and narcissism. Real stresses that when working with a narcissistic person, it's crucial to bring in the other people in the system, such as the partner or children, to provide the necessary data and leverage. This approach is in stark contrast to traditional therapy, where the narcissist is often treated with kid gloves, and the focus is placed on building trust first.
In RLT, the therapist confronts the narcissistic behaviours head-on from the start. This isn't about being harsh or confrontational but rather about creating a firm and compassionate alliance with the narcissist while simultaneously addressing the behaviours that are damaging. Real refers to this process as using "leverage"—motivating the narcissist by showing them what they stand to lose (or gain) through change.
The first step is often to empower the co-dependent partner. They need to feel strong enough to assert their needs, even if it risks the relationship. This can involve practical steps like setting clear boundaries, expressing dissatisfaction, and even withdrawing affection when necessary. This process helps bring some balance to the relationship and encourages the narcissist to engage in self-reflection.
Terry Real's seminar illustrates that narcissism doesn't have to be a death sentence for relationships. While narcissism can be difficult to work with, there are ways to approach it that foster change. By understanding the spectrum of narcissism, incorporating empathy, setting boundaries, and using leverage within the relational system, it is possible to transform most narcissistic relationships.
The key takeaway is this: narcissism doesn't have to be untreatable. With relational empowerment and a deep commitment to accountability, even those who seem lost in grandiosity can reconnect, heal, and form healthier, more loving relationships. As Terry Real says, "Relational life therapy is about moving from disconnection to connection, from isolation to intimacy." That's a journey worth taking—no matter how difficult it may seem.
Treating the Untreatable: How to Transform Narcissistic Relationships (online Seminar on the 11th of October 2024)
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